Monday, May 3, 2010

Psycho Stalker Part 16 - The Lie

My doctor was still staring at me, waiting for an answer. I told him that Josh and I were play-wrestling in the living room and I got up on the couch and fell off backward. Yea that sounds plausible, doesn't it? Oh no...the big sigh and the look on his face is telling me that he isn't buying my load of shit. I have to stick to this story and make him believe me, as much as it pains me to have to lie to my doctor. Doc cannot know the truth or else I'm as good as dead. Can't have cops being nosy and screwing things up. I can't go to the hospital without creating suspicion.

Sure enough, Doc looks at me and says "yea right, do you want to try me again?" So I repeated the story again, hoping against hope that he would believe me. He moved toward the door, closed it and looked me straight in the eye and said "don't bullshit me. We've known each other too long and I know damn well this could not have happened from you falling off a couch. Did that son-of-a-bitch strangle you? You have marks all around your neck, face, shoulders, arms, torso and back."

No amount of lying is going to get me out of this one. I know that now. Everyone can see that Josh beats me. I'm the fool for believing that nobody knows. What the hell is wrong with me? I swore I'd never be with a man who raised his hands to me and now I'm in a fight for my life.

As the white hot tears pour out of my eyes uncontrollably, my head throbs with searing bursts of pain as does my neck. I can't stop crying now that the realization has hit home that I really fucked up by staying with this coward who chooses to beat me whenever he gets pissed off. I am having trouble forming sentences right now. I can't seem to speak and it is so difficult for me to breathe. My chest is heaving like I've just run the New York Marathon and I can't catch my breath. The pain is blinding me and yet I cannot stop crying. I know my Doc knows I am lying and I am mortified. I trust this man with my life, yet I cannot tell him what really happened because he will do what he has to do.

Doc called Ann back into the room because I'm getting hysterical. She holds me while I cry. Ann stays with me to make sure I don't faint or fall off the examining table. My doc tells me he is stepping out for a minute and whispers something to Ann that I can't hear.

He comes back into the room once I've calmed down a bit. He has my x-rays and the results of my numerous examinations that he has performed this morning. It's not good. I just know it. He has a very pained expression on his face and he is not attempting to use humor at this point. He sits me down and tells me what he has found.

Doc asks me if I want the good news first or the bad. I opt for the former, hoping it will cheer me up. He proceeds to tell me that the good news is...I'm still alive, but barely, after my beating. The bad news is...I have major injuries that are quite possibly life threatening and he wants to call an ambulance to have me transported ASAP to the hospital. I can see his lips moving, but I can't seem to hear him anymore. I can glean certain pieces of information such as brain stem injury, motor function coordination, breathing, heart might stop, seizures...

I feel as if I am in a tunnel. My ears don't want to work, the room is closing in around me, faces and objects are spinning and twirling before my very eyes. I'm in tremendous amounts of pain and nauseated. I'm so scared right now. I know I need to go to the hospital, but I can't. Nobody can know what happened to me. I know if my doc makes me go to the hospital, they will ask me tons of questions, probably put the pieces together, then have to call the police to report the domestic violence, then someone will contact Josh to question him and then he will know I told!

My doc needs to be convinced that I will be ok if he lets me go home. Nobody can know about this. I'll have to take my chances and just go home and hope and pray that I don't die because I'm not allowed to be admitted to the hospital.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My Psycho Stalker-Part 15 The Doctor's Office

This stupid keeps opening on me even though I have a death grip on the damn thing. All right, any time now doc. Where did you go? How long have I been here anyway? I feel like I'm in a fog, my brain is jumbling my thoughts and I'm jumping from thought to thought like a flea on a hot, sandy beach. Nothing seems to make sense and everything hurts like I've had the shit beat out of me with a baseball bat of the wooden variety. Have I completely lost my mind and this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown? Oh crap, I have to get back to work. I know there's work piling up on my desk next door and I don't want my boss to freak out if I'm gone too long. Oh wait...he walked me over here, didn't he? I think he did. Good, then he knows where I am.

Oh good, here comes my doc. I've known him and his staff for years. Maybe I can get some straight answers as to what's going on with me so I can hurry up and get back to work. I actually love my job and my boss. He and his family have been so good to me. They know I have no family in the state, so they've kind of adopted me. They are all so sweet. What the hell? My doctor has an odd look on his face. He's still looking at my x-rays and I don't like that worried/concerned look on his face. Oh geez, this is not good.

I'm scared to death now. He appears to be stalling. He's consulting with his assistant now - I can see them both right outside my room. Unfortunately my vision is a bit blurry and I can't really read their lips right now. And I'm sitting at an angle on the table in the x-ray room because I can't turn my neck or sit like a human being. It just hurts way too much. Oh NO, why is Ann crying? I dying? Uh they come. I don't feel so good right now.

"DOC, help me! She's going into shock", Ann screamed. And that's the last thing I remember them saying for quite awhile.

I woke up to my doc on one side of me and Ann on the other. They were holding me so I didn't fall off the table. "So do you want to tell me how this happened", asked my doc when I finally became a little coherent. "Ahhh, I don't know" I slurred. Shit, I can't tell them the truth! Yea if I tell them that Josh and I got into a fight and he grabbed me and picked me up by my neck, swung me around the room until I passed out and then forced me to have sex with him, I'd be in deep shit. If I tell them the truth, then by law the doc has to call the cops and report the beating. Then the cops may or may not go and arrest Josh at work. They would talk to him at any rate. Then Josh would know I told. Josh threatened me (like he did every time he hit me) and said he'd kill me if I dared to open my mouth and tell anyone what happened. He always told me "shut up or I'll finish the fucking job" or "go ahead and fight back. I'll kill your fucking animals too and leave them for you to find". I have a sneaking suspicion that he's been abusing my babies too, especially my new puppy. I'll be damned if I will give him an excuse to do it again.

You never know how fast your mind can spin until you have to fabricate something other than the truth in mere seconds. I think my befuddled brain was spinning (albeit lopsided) faster than an F5 tornado in Alabama. Ok, what can I tell them? must be logical, yet simple so I don't screw this up. My life depends on my fabrication. If I could only trust the cops to not fuck this up and actually protect me, I wouldn't have to lie. I could tell the truth and have this asshole arrested and out of my life NOW. But since many cops and judges have let me down over the course of my entire life, I don't trust any of them. Maybe someday I will elaborate on those factions of my life as well. But for now, my immediate goal at this moment is self-preservation. Until I can plot Josh's death for doing this to me yet again.

To be continued...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

MPS-Part 14 The Day After

Oh boy, what the hell happened to me? What's wrong with my head? Ugh, no time for me to whine or show that I'm in excruciating pain. I have to get out of bed, take a shower and get ready for work. Crap...Josh is still here. I can hear his fat ass rummaging around in the fridge. Why can't he just leave already...or die? I can't even remember my own name right now, let alone what I have to do to get ready for work.

The room keeps spinning, my head is throbbing and my neck feels like I got hit with a baseball bat. Everything keeps getting fuzzy - like someone threw a piece of cheesecloth over my face. Ok, suck it up and get in the shower. My arms and legs are not cooperating with my brain. It hurts to think. Whoa, thank goodness for this shower bar in my tub or else I'd be in deep trouble. Holy shit, it hurts way too much to lift my arms and wash my hair. Pain keeps shooting up from my neck, through my head, wrapping around my brain and squeezing the life out of it like a giant octopus. It hurts to breathe. I think I'm going to die...I need to get to work so someone will know if I pass out from the pain. Otherwise I will never be found and nobody will take care of my animals. Josh will let them all die from starvation or else he will kill them. I don't trust him and nobody can seem to keep him away from me.

Hey wait a the hell did I end up at my desk? The last thing I remember is getting out of the shower and now I am sitting at my desk holding my head up because it hurts too much to let my neck do its job. Uh comes my boss. I don't know if I can bullshit him into believing there is nothing wrong with me.

Good morning Willy! What do you mean I'm slurring my words? No I'm fine, just a bit tired. Oh no, I must look like death warmed over because he is NOT buying a word coming out of my mouth. How did I get here? Honestly Willy, I have no idea. My truck is outside? I DROVE HERE? Thank God I only live 2 streets away.

My boss is a very caring soul. We've worked together for a very long time and I am close with his family. He is freaking out right now telling me I'm slurring my words, I'm stumbling around, my eyes are glazed, my movements are super slow and I seem to be breathing funny. He is making me walk next door to the doctor so he can take a look at me. Thankfully we are all friends, but I'm scared to death they are going to know Josh beat me and once it gets out and Josh finds out I told, he will kill me as he frequently promises to...

Willy carefully escorted me next door via the adjoining door so that nobody would see me walk through the front door of the doctor's office and ask a ton of nosy questions. I think they all know...I think they are all waiting for me to spill my guts. Are they nuts? I don't want Josh to finish the job and kill me for telling on him!

Here's my friend Ann who works with my doctor...good...a familiar face...I need a hug even though it's going to hurt like hell. Where did Willy go? Hey...I don't remember taking my clothes off and putting this horrible ass-peeping gown on. What's going on here? Did I black out again? Oh God I am so scared. I can't keep my thoughts straight, I can't speak, can't concentrate and I keep losing time. What's happening to me?

To be continued...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

MPS-Part 13 I'm Not Dead Yet

As I slowly regained consciousness, I opened my eyes one at a time. I was so confused. What happened? Where am I? Am I still alive or am I dreaming? Then it dawned on me...those voices I heard...someone turned the tv on in the living room. That means he must be sitting on the couch watching something. I wonder if he thinks I'm dead? How long have I been unconscious? the hell did I end up on the kitchen floor? And what is that sharp thing poking me in the back of my head?

The pain in my head and neck was excruciating. I tried to inch myself up off the floor so I could see what was broken, if I was bleeding and to ensure my 4-legged kids were ok. I prayed he hadn't killed them in his fit of blinding rage. Hopefully I was the only thing he beat the shit out of and tried to kill.

I scooted myself to the door frame so I could hold on and try to stand up. Whoa...this wasn't going to work - I'm dizzy as hell. Oh damn, that thing poking me in the back of my head was my (now) broken plastic hair clip. The teeth were sticking me in the back of my head where I landed on it on the cold, hard floor. Strange...the last thing I remembered was being on the far side of the living room and his hands choking the breath from my body. I have no idea how I ended up on the kitchen floor.

Normally Josh would apologize after he beat me, but this time he didn't say a word. I stumbled into the living room and attempted to make it to the couch before I fainted. My head was so heavy, I felt as if the sheer weight of it would make my neck snap. Oh I wanted to throw up - all movement, even breathing was making me sick to my stomach. I was seeing double, was dizzy and hurt like I'd been run over by a Peterbilt.

He was sitting on the couch watching some stupid cartoon while I stumbled around trying desperately to not let him know how badly he'd hurt me. Any sign of weakness on my part was another invitation for an ass kicking. I tried desperately, but just couldn't make it to the couch. The living room carpet looked so inviting, so I just collapsed right there for awhile. My mouth felt like it was full of marbles. Every time I tried to say something, I'd stutter or it just wouldn't come out right. I was so frustrated and scared. I knew I was hurt badly. I couldn't even think straight and that scared me even more. I was vulnerable, like a wounded bird.

My 4-legged kids were in hiding. I have no idea how long I stayed on the floor, but when it got dark, they came out of hiding so I could feed them. I managed to stumble around the kitchen and feed all my critters and let the puppy out to piddle. Poor kids, they were so scared that after they ate, they ran back to their respective hiding places, probably fearing that they were next.

We stayed up for a few hours and he pretended that nothing was wrong. I was in such dire pain. I wanted to go to the emergency room because I knew something was really wrong with me. Instead I walked down the hallway towards the bedroom, bouncing off the walls all the way down the hall. I fell into bed, hoping to get some sleep. I prayed I'd wake up and be ok. Oh's on top of me forcing me to have sex with him. I don't have the strength to fight him and every movement sends jarring shards of pain through my body. Oh God please let this end!

To be continued...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

MPS-Part 12 The Fight Is On

I slowly backed away from him, my mind reeling, all the while trying to devise an escape route. Fear wrapped its long, cold fingers around my spine. My breathing was coming in short gasps, I was desperately trying not to panic or faint from sheer fright. If I wanted to survive this, I had to keep my wits about me and think straight.

The arguing got louder. Josh kept screaming at me like a crazed maniac, spittle being flung everywhere, his eyes wide and dark. He kept flexing his hands, making fists, waving his arms towards my head. He was enjoying watching me cower in fear and flinch every time he breathed. I kept backing away, but not quickly enough.

His arm shot out and he grabbed me. He wrapped his huge hand around my small neck. My mind went through numerous scenarios in the span of what seemed like minutes, although it could not have been more than a few seconds. I need to get out of his death grib on my throat. What if I ran for the back, the deadbolt is locked and can only be opened with a key. What if I jumped through the front living room, not enough clearance with the tv stand in the way. Maybe I could run for the front door, throw the deadbolt that isn't a keylock, open the screen door and run like hell.

I tried to scream and nothing came out. He had a steel-trap grip on my neck. He loosened his grip for a brief moment and I took advantage of the opportunity to scream bloody murder at the top of my lungs, twist out of his grasp while simultaneously lunging for the front door. I quickly threw the deadbolt, was opening the steel front door and still screaming for all I was worth. I was praying that I'd make it out the door in one piece, that someone would hear my tortured screams and finally call the police to help me.

Noooooo, he caught me! I was too damn slow! His arm flashed by my head and slammed the door shut, shaving the skin off the side of my right hand that was braced on the doorframe, almost catching my hand in the door. Oh shit, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead...he caught me! I kept screaming, crying, I was hysterical. I was begging my body to not panic. I was ready to try to jump through the living room window and land ten feet down in the shrubs. I was desperate beyond belief. I had to get away from him NOW!

Josh backed me up against the door, blocking any escape by throwing his big, stocky body in front of me. I couldn't move. It was if my feet were nailed to the floor and my legs had turned to stone. I was petrified, crying and begging him to not hurt me anymore. He was pissed off and about ready to explode because I dared to try and escape his wrath. He wanted to show me that I could not fight with him, yell at him, get in his face and win. I was supposed to be subservient to him and he would teach me once and for all.

He grabbed me by my throat, picked me up off the ground and drug me around the living room. My feet were dangling in the air and I was fighting for my life. He bounced me off the sofa, the coffee table, threw me across the room as I started to lose consciousness...he followed me and snatched me back up by my hair and started strangling me. I was struggling for air, I couldn't breathe, couldn't move my body. My blood was pounding so hard in my head that it hurt. My face was hot, my neck was in pain, everything in my body got white fire-hot. He had a death grip on my throat and I thought he was going to snap my neck, kill me and then go after my poor defenseless animals like he'd always threatened. My last conscious thought was of my animals' safety and who would call my Mom...

To be continued...