This will be my last posting on this subject for awhile. I don't want to depress or shock anyone - although I've been told by a few friends that I could've knocked them over with a feather after they read these.
If the support system is strong for the abused person, there is a very good chance that they will recover and be able to function normally. It doesn't matter if it's a close friend, family member, religious figure, teacher or psychiatrist - just so long as there is someone to listen and provide emotional support.
Truth be told, some family members will flat out deny that there was any abuse because they think there is a stigma attached and they don't want to be part of it. I know this from experience. Some of my family members think I lied about what happened. If they only knew the whole story...but I don't think they are mature enough or strong enough to handle it. Let them think what they want. I know the truth and so does my Mom. Sometimes you have to say "F*ck you, you weren't there, you don't know what happened and I don't care what you think" and move on with your life.
It sucks when your own family (some members, not all) deny the whole thing and then disown you! Yes...there are a few members of my family that to this day will NOT speak to me. You know what I think? F*ck them! They didn't take me to raise, I'm free and over 21. I've been on my own since I was 16 and don't need their approval for anything. I just thank God that my Mother knows I've told the truth - and I haven't told her everything either. I don't think she needs to know everything. She's got enough on her plate and I don't want to upset her. I love her too much.
It's all about survival. You have to muster up enough intestinal fortitude to decide to deal with the trauma, get help and rebuild your life. Abuse takes a hefty toll on the human body and mind. You have to be brave enough to reach out to someone, trust them (I know it's not easy to trust), confide in them and take it one step at a time. Recovery won't happen overnight.
I still have issues and I don't deny that. I have a very difficult time trusting people, I still have the nightmares, am controlling (that's how I cope), have OCD and I'm paranoid. At least I'm not a serial killer! I function like any other human being and on the outside, I'm just like you. On the inside...it's a different story, but I deal with it in a constructive manner.
I am very thankful for the few close friends that I do have and that have stuck with me over the years. They accept me even with the eccentric behavior and strange habits I have. Thank God I have them in my life. And I can't forget my Mother. She's been such a blessing - words can't describe how grateful I am to her. My step-father, whom I'm proud to call Dad, has been a blessing as well. Nobody knows he's my step-father and I don't allude to it - hell, we even look alike!
Maybe tomorrow I'll write about my long time stalker...maybe. If there are any topics you'd like me to write about, let me know. Also, you can click on the widget to follow my blog. I would really appreciate it. It means a lot knowing that people care enough to read my life story. Thank you.
Showing posts with label child abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child abuse. Show all posts
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
My Screwed Up Life - Part 2
In my post yesterday, I said that even though I was an abused child (not by my Mother), it made me who I am today. Let me clarify by saying that I am NOT advocating or condoning abuse. On the contrary, I try to help prevent it and help those who have gone through it. I apologize if anyone thought otherwise.
As I stated in yesterday's post, some folks come out somewhat ok and some crack under the pressure of having to deal with the trauma. Nobody, but nobody gets out unscathed. As strong as I believe I am, even I did not come out unscathed. I'm not a violent person (if I was, I can bet you I wouldn't have gotten my ass kicked so many times!). Sometimes my mouth does over-ride my ass and I say things that the average person might take as a threat. But the people who know me, know I'm blowing off steam and mean no harm. There are a few folks I'd like to see disappear, but that's not my place to make that happen. Remember - Karma. I don't want any bad Karma following me! I can think it all I want...but I can't do it.
Even though I have dealt with most of my issues, I still have sleep disorders, have been diagnosed with PTSD and am anal-retentive and obsessive-compulsive. I'll admit it - I'm a bit controlling, but it's how I deal with things. And it's not just the childhood trauma I am still having to deal with. I was abused as an adult too - literally about beat to death by an ex-boyfriend because he was in a bad mood. And by the way, the cops never caught the guy - the fat bastard is still on the loose and every now and then he lets me know he's still out there. That's another story for another day.
I still have very vivid nightmares, I sleepwalk (husband says I check all the locks in the house), I fight in my sleep, I yell in my sleep and have woken myself up screaming and cussing at certain people. I still have flashbacks, hardly sleep and am always looking over my shoulder. But I don't let all that stop me from living my life. It was part of the reason I was so reserved when I began dating my husband. I didn't want him to find all this out about me without me warning/explaining it to him first. Can you imagine spending the night with your girlfriend and having her sleepwalk, yell, scream and fight in her sleep? Yea....FREAKIN PSYCHO! But we had a very serious talk and he understands, which is such a blessing I can't even begin to tell you.
Frustrating? That's an understatement! Yes I get frustrated, yes I'm slightly paranoid and I have no problem admitting that. If I wasn't paranoid, cautious and armed most of the time, I would have been dead a long time ago. That's a cold, hard fact! When I get frustrated or pissed off, I don't take it out on people. I get physical - chopping wood, throwing axes at my target in the wooded backyard, lifting weights, working on my truck, going for a walk with my dog and writing about things. I'm not a big talker when it comes to my traumas and personal issues. I'd rather write. I've always been a writer - it is so much easier for me. The point is I don't go out and beat the shit out of other people (even though some definitely deserve it). I find constructive ways to release my anger.
It's all in the mind. It's a choice. You either deal with your issues properly and ditch the "victim" mentality or you succumb to it and it eventually destroys you. I've seen it happen and it's very, very sad. After years of being a "victim", I chose to be a survivor. I gathered up my inner strength and decided to live again. Was that an easy decision to make? No it was not, but is anything that is truly worth doing "easy"?
To be continued.....
As I stated in yesterday's post, some folks come out somewhat ok and some crack under the pressure of having to deal with the trauma. Nobody, but nobody gets out unscathed. As strong as I believe I am, even I did not come out unscathed. I'm not a violent person (if I was, I can bet you I wouldn't have gotten my ass kicked so many times!). Sometimes my mouth does over-ride my ass and I say things that the average person might take as a threat. But the people who know me, know I'm blowing off steam and mean no harm. There are a few folks I'd like to see disappear, but that's not my place to make that happen. Remember - Karma. I don't want any bad Karma following me! I can think it all I want...but I can't do it.
Even though I have dealt with most of my issues, I still have sleep disorders, have been diagnosed with PTSD and am anal-retentive and obsessive-compulsive. I'll admit it - I'm a bit controlling, but it's how I deal with things. And it's not just the childhood trauma I am still having to deal with. I was abused as an adult too - literally about beat to death by an ex-boyfriend because he was in a bad mood. And by the way, the cops never caught the guy - the fat bastard is still on the loose and every now and then he lets me know he's still out there. That's another story for another day.
I still have very vivid nightmares, I sleepwalk (husband says I check all the locks in the house), I fight in my sleep, I yell in my sleep and have woken myself up screaming and cussing at certain people. I still have flashbacks, hardly sleep and am always looking over my shoulder. But I don't let all that stop me from living my life. It was part of the reason I was so reserved when I began dating my husband. I didn't want him to find all this out about me without me warning/explaining it to him first. Can you imagine spending the night with your girlfriend and having her sleepwalk, yell, scream and fight in her sleep? Yea....FREAKIN PSYCHO! But we had a very serious talk and he understands, which is such a blessing I can't even begin to tell you.
Frustrating? That's an understatement! Yes I get frustrated, yes I'm slightly paranoid and I have no problem admitting that. If I wasn't paranoid, cautious and armed most of the time, I would have been dead a long time ago. That's a cold, hard fact! When I get frustrated or pissed off, I don't take it out on people. I get physical - chopping wood, throwing axes at my target in the wooded backyard, lifting weights, working on my truck, going for a walk with my dog and writing about things. I'm not a big talker when it comes to my traumas and personal issues. I'd rather write. I've always been a writer - it is so much easier for me. The point is I don't go out and beat the shit out of other people (even though some definitely deserve it). I find constructive ways to release my anger.
It's all in the mind. It's a choice. You either deal with your issues properly and ditch the "victim" mentality or you succumb to it and it eventually destroys you. I've seen it happen and it's very, very sad. After years of being a "victim", I chose to be a survivor. I gathered up my inner strength and decided to live again. Was that an easy decision to make? No it was not, but is anything that is truly worth doing "easy"?
To be continued.....
My Screwed Up Life - Part 1
Ha! I know y'all can relate to that title. This will be the first installment of many screwed up situations that come from my life. These stories are absolutely true with no embellishment whatsoever. Trust me...I don't need to embellish, the stories are freaky enough. I am putting all of these into a book as well. When it's done, I'll let you know.
Where to start...as a child, I had a father (and I use the term loosely) who was very abusive. I refer to him as the sperm donor. He does not deserve to be called father or dad or anything nice. I'll leave out here what he did to my Mother and just tell you what he did to me.
I learned at a very young age that children are supposed to be seen and not heard. If I didn't move fast enough or if I said something to the sperm donor's dislike, I got the shit beat out of me. My Mother would try her best to intervene. That would just piss him off even more and then he would attack her. His favorite thing was to hit me in the head. I was forever trying to hide bruises, I had horrible headaches, nightmares and flinched at every sound and every time someone moved quickly. Finally at the age of 5, my parents divorced. And that started a whole storm of violence, threats, terrorizing of the family. The sperm donor was and is crazy, psychotic and a very violent person. For that reason, I cannot go back to the state where I was born for fear of him killing me...as he so often promised he would.
My Mother and I had to move around frequently because he would always find us and the terror would start anew. It was a never ending cycle. He repeatedly threatened to kidnap me, kill me and my Mother, hurt members of our family (even my Grandmother!) and was always following us, watching us. When he wasn't available to stalk and threaten us, he had his friends from his motorcycle gang do it for him. I know, how sweet. I can't count the number of times we had scary men knocking on our doors at all hours of the day and night just to threaten my Mother.
I was a mere helpless child at the time. Unfortunately, my childhood was lost because he stole that from me. I had to grow up before my time so I could be big and strong and protect my Mommy. The things that bastard did to her...it makes me so enraged to even think about it now. He's damn lucky I believe in Karma or else I would've taken great pleasure in making his birth certificate a worthless f*cking document years ago.
To be continued tomorrow....
Where to start...as a child, I had a father (and I use the term loosely) who was very abusive. I refer to him as the sperm donor. He does not deserve to be called father or dad or anything nice. I'll leave out here what he did to my Mother and just tell you what he did to me.
I learned at a very young age that children are supposed to be seen and not heard. If I didn't move fast enough or if I said something to the sperm donor's dislike, I got the shit beat out of me. My Mother would try her best to intervene. That would just piss him off even more and then he would attack her. His favorite thing was to hit me in the head. I was forever trying to hide bruises, I had horrible headaches, nightmares and flinched at every sound and every time someone moved quickly. Finally at the age of 5, my parents divorced. And that started a whole storm of violence, threats, terrorizing of the family. The sperm donor was and is crazy, psychotic and a very violent person. For that reason, I cannot go back to the state where I was born for fear of him killing me...as he so often promised he would.
My Mother and I had to move around frequently because he would always find us and the terror would start anew. It was a never ending cycle. He repeatedly threatened to kidnap me, kill me and my Mother, hurt members of our family (even my Grandmother!) and was always following us, watching us. When he wasn't available to stalk and threaten us, he had his friends from his motorcycle gang do it for him. I know, how sweet. I can't count the number of times we had scary men knocking on our doors at all hours of the day and night just to threaten my Mother.
I was a mere helpless child at the time. Unfortunately, my childhood was lost because he stole that from me. I had to grow up before my time so I could be big and strong and protect my Mommy. The things that bastard did to her...it makes me so enraged to even think about it now. He's damn lucky I believe in Karma or else I would've taken great pleasure in making his birth certificate a worthless f*cking document years ago.
To be continued tomorrow....
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