After the black eye incident, I kept a permanent smile on my face so nobody would ever know that I was a victim of abuse. Again. I pushed most of my friends aside, mostly because he didn't allow me to socialize with anyone, including family.
A few months later, tempers escalated once again. He came home from work and as I went to kiss him, I noticed he smelled like pot. (I do not condone the use, and I forbid it in my house - plus I'm allergic to it. I have asthma attacks from the stench). I confronted him on the issue and first he lied and denied everything. I got mad and said "that's it, I'm through. This is the last straw. I do NOT cohabitate with druggies". You'd think that I would've learned to keep my mouth shut by now. Nope. We got into an argument, then he started threatening me and it got violent again.
The final straw was the house we were renting from his boss was a total piece of shit. I'm very allergic to mold...every time it rained, the roof leaked and the water ran down the roof supports to the ceiling and then to the bathroom door frame, all over the wood floor. That's a sound I will never forget...the sudden onset of rain INSIDE the house! No matter how much I cleaned, there was still mold. Plus the roof and supports were rotting. Needless to say, I could never breathe in the house and I was miserable. But I knew better than to complain.
Then the well ran dry. After no water for a few weeks, the slum lord finally had a new well drilled. Are you ready for this? All we got out of the faucet was black water. I shit you not...I spent so much money on Diamond Springs water, I should've bought stock in the company. And we had to shower at Josh's work after hours. That was creepy for me. Of course I got fed up with all the bullshit and we started arguing. I threatened to move out and leave him there, since he wanted to stay so badly. And then I accused him of being afraid to stand up to his boss and tell him his house is a fucking piece of shit and we weren't paying rent. I paid for those remarks, believe me.
I was thoroughly fed up, so I began looking for a house to buy. I was done with renting from assholes who didn't care that the roof was leaking or that there was NO water in the house. I finally found a house in the same area that I could afford on my own, that was close to my work (within walking distance!) and close to Josh's work (not quite walking distance for his fat ass, although I could have done it). I went through the "real estate dance" and eventually purchased the house.
The Sellers were so kind. I explained to them that I was living in a rented house and had been without water for months, etc. We struck up a deal whereby I would pay the Sellers rent for 2 weeks until we closed on the house. God bless them!! I hugged them both (husband and wife) and the realtor. I had a house with clean, running water!!
I bought the house just before Christmas - Merry Christmas to me!! It happens to be the house I still live in now. I had high hopes that we could work out our problems now and maybe go to counseling (for him) now that we had the stress of the shit-house off our backs and had a nice, new place to live. Yes with clean, running water and a roof that didn't leak!!
But alas...my dreams were short lived. To be continued...
Showing posts with label violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label violence. Show all posts
Friday, October 9, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
My Screwed Up Life - Part 2
In my post yesterday, I said that even though I was an abused child (not by my Mother), it made me who I am today. Let me clarify by saying that I am NOT advocating or condoning abuse. On the contrary, I try to help prevent it and help those who have gone through it. I apologize if anyone thought otherwise.
As I stated in yesterday's post, some folks come out somewhat ok and some crack under the pressure of having to deal with the trauma. Nobody, but nobody gets out unscathed. As strong as I believe I am, even I did not come out unscathed. I'm not a violent person (if I was, I can bet you I wouldn't have gotten my ass kicked so many times!). Sometimes my mouth does over-ride my ass and I say things that the average person might take as a threat. But the people who know me, know I'm blowing off steam and mean no harm. There are a few folks I'd like to see disappear, but that's not my place to make that happen. Remember - Karma. I don't want any bad Karma following me! I can think it all I want...but I can't do it.
Even though I have dealt with most of my issues, I still have sleep disorders, have been diagnosed with PTSD and am anal-retentive and obsessive-compulsive. I'll admit it - I'm a bit controlling, but it's how I deal with things. And it's not just the childhood trauma I am still having to deal with. I was abused as an adult too - literally about beat to death by an ex-boyfriend because he was in a bad mood. And by the way, the cops never caught the guy - the fat bastard is still on the loose and every now and then he lets me know he's still out there. That's another story for another day.
I still have very vivid nightmares, I sleepwalk (husband says I check all the locks in the house), I fight in my sleep, I yell in my sleep and have woken myself up screaming and cussing at certain people. I still have flashbacks, hardly sleep and am always looking over my shoulder. But I don't let all that stop me from living my life. It was part of the reason I was so reserved when I began dating my husband. I didn't want him to find all this out about me without me warning/explaining it to him first. Can you imagine spending the night with your girlfriend and having her sleepwalk, yell, scream and fight in her sleep? Yea....FREAKIN PSYCHO! But we had a very serious talk and he understands, which is such a blessing I can't even begin to tell you.
Frustrating? That's an understatement! Yes I get frustrated, yes I'm slightly paranoid and I have no problem admitting that. If I wasn't paranoid, cautious and armed most of the time, I would have been dead a long time ago. That's a cold, hard fact! When I get frustrated or pissed off, I don't take it out on people. I get physical - chopping wood, throwing axes at my target in the wooded backyard, lifting weights, working on my truck, going for a walk with my dog and writing about things. I'm not a big talker when it comes to my traumas and personal issues. I'd rather write. I've always been a writer - it is so much easier for me. The point is I don't go out and beat the shit out of other people (even though some definitely deserve it). I find constructive ways to release my anger.
It's all in the mind. It's a choice. You either deal with your issues properly and ditch the "victim" mentality or you succumb to it and it eventually destroys you. I've seen it happen and it's very, very sad. After years of being a "victim", I chose to be a survivor. I gathered up my inner strength and decided to live again. Was that an easy decision to make? No it was not, but is anything that is truly worth doing "easy"?
To be continued.....
As I stated in yesterday's post, some folks come out somewhat ok and some crack under the pressure of having to deal with the trauma. Nobody, but nobody gets out unscathed. As strong as I believe I am, even I did not come out unscathed. I'm not a violent person (if I was, I can bet you I wouldn't have gotten my ass kicked so many times!). Sometimes my mouth does over-ride my ass and I say things that the average person might take as a threat. But the people who know me, know I'm blowing off steam and mean no harm. There are a few folks I'd like to see disappear, but that's not my place to make that happen. Remember - Karma. I don't want any bad Karma following me! I can think it all I want...but I can't do it.
Even though I have dealt with most of my issues, I still have sleep disorders, have been diagnosed with PTSD and am anal-retentive and obsessive-compulsive. I'll admit it - I'm a bit controlling, but it's how I deal with things. And it's not just the childhood trauma I am still having to deal with. I was abused as an adult too - literally about beat to death by an ex-boyfriend because he was in a bad mood. And by the way, the cops never caught the guy - the fat bastard is still on the loose and every now and then he lets me know he's still out there. That's another story for another day.
I still have very vivid nightmares, I sleepwalk (husband says I check all the locks in the house), I fight in my sleep, I yell in my sleep and have woken myself up screaming and cussing at certain people. I still have flashbacks, hardly sleep and am always looking over my shoulder. But I don't let all that stop me from living my life. It was part of the reason I was so reserved when I began dating my husband. I didn't want him to find all this out about me without me warning/explaining it to him first. Can you imagine spending the night with your girlfriend and having her sleepwalk, yell, scream and fight in her sleep? Yea....FREAKIN PSYCHO! But we had a very serious talk and he understands, which is such a blessing I can't even begin to tell you.
Frustrating? That's an understatement! Yes I get frustrated, yes I'm slightly paranoid and I have no problem admitting that. If I wasn't paranoid, cautious and armed most of the time, I would have been dead a long time ago. That's a cold, hard fact! When I get frustrated or pissed off, I don't take it out on people. I get physical - chopping wood, throwing axes at my target in the wooded backyard, lifting weights, working on my truck, going for a walk with my dog and writing about things. I'm not a big talker when it comes to my traumas and personal issues. I'd rather write. I've always been a writer - it is so much easier for me. The point is I don't go out and beat the shit out of other people (even though some definitely deserve it). I find constructive ways to release my anger.
It's all in the mind. It's a choice. You either deal with your issues properly and ditch the "victim" mentality or you succumb to it and it eventually destroys you. I've seen it happen and it's very, very sad. After years of being a "victim", I chose to be a survivor. I gathered up my inner strength and decided to live again. Was that an easy decision to make? No it was not, but is anything that is truly worth doing "easy"?
To be continued.....
My Screwed Up Life - Part 1
Ha! I know y'all can relate to that title. This will be the first installment of many screwed up situations that come from my life. These stories are absolutely true with no embellishment whatsoever. Trust me...I don't need to embellish, the stories are freaky enough. I am putting all of these into a book as well. When it's done, I'll let you know.
Where to start...as a child, I had a father (and I use the term loosely) who was very abusive. I refer to him as the sperm donor. He does not deserve to be called father or dad or anything nice. I'll leave out here what he did to my Mother and just tell you what he did to me.
I learned at a very young age that children are supposed to be seen and not heard. If I didn't move fast enough or if I said something to the sperm donor's dislike, I got the shit beat out of me. My Mother would try her best to intervene. That would just piss him off even more and then he would attack her. His favorite thing was to hit me in the head. I was forever trying to hide bruises, I had horrible headaches, nightmares and flinched at every sound and every time someone moved quickly. Finally at the age of 5, my parents divorced. And that started a whole storm of violence, threats, terrorizing of the family. The sperm donor was and is crazy, psychotic and a very violent person. For that reason, I cannot go back to the state where I was born for fear of him killing me...as he so often promised he would.
My Mother and I had to move around frequently because he would always find us and the terror would start anew. It was a never ending cycle. He repeatedly threatened to kidnap me, kill me and my Mother, hurt members of our family (even my Grandmother!) and was always following us, watching us. When he wasn't available to stalk and threaten us, he had his friends from his motorcycle gang do it for him. I know, how sweet. I can't count the number of times we had scary men knocking on our doors at all hours of the day and night just to threaten my Mother.
I was a mere helpless child at the time. Unfortunately, my childhood was lost because he stole that from me. I had to grow up before my time so I could be big and strong and protect my Mommy. The things that bastard did to her...it makes me so enraged to even think about it now. He's damn lucky I believe in Karma or else I would've taken great pleasure in making his birth certificate a worthless f*cking document years ago.
To be continued tomorrow....
Where to start...as a child, I had a father (and I use the term loosely) who was very abusive. I refer to him as the sperm donor. He does not deserve to be called father or dad or anything nice. I'll leave out here what he did to my Mother and just tell you what he did to me.
I learned at a very young age that children are supposed to be seen and not heard. If I didn't move fast enough or if I said something to the sperm donor's dislike, I got the shit beat out of me. My Mother would try her best to intervene. That would just piss him off even more and then he would attack her. His favorite thing was to hit me in the head. I was forever trying to hide bruises, I had horrible headaches, nightmares and flinched at every sound and every time someone moved quickly. Finally at the age of 5, my parents divorced. And that started a whole storm of violence, threats, terrorizing of the family. The sperm donor was and is crazy, psychotic and a very violent person. For that reason, I cannot go back to the state where I was born for fear of him killing me...as he so often promised he would.
My Mother and I had to move around frequently because he would always find us and the terror would start anew. It was a never ending cycle. He repeatedly threatened to kidnap me, kill me and my Mother, hurt members of our family (even my Grandmother!) and was always following us, watching us. When he wasn't available to stalk and threaten us, he had his friends from his motorcycle gang do it for him. I know, how sweet. I can't count the number of times we had scary men knocking on our doors at all hours of the day and night just to threaten my Mother.
I was a mere helpless child at the time. Unfortunately, my childhood was lost because he stole that from me. I had to grow up before my time so I could be big and strong and protect my Mommy. The things that bastard did to her...it makes me so enraged to even think about it now. He's damn lucky I believe in Karma or else I would've taken great pleasure in making his birth certificate a worthless f*cking document years ago.
To be continued tomorrow....
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