Monday, November 2, 2009

MPS-Part 9 After Valentine's Day

I wonder how far the human psyche can be pummeled before it cracks and shatters and the person being tortured goes postal? I wondered every day how much more of Josh's bullshit deviant behaviors I could possibly take before I had a nervous breakdown, committed suicide, killed him or stood up to him and took it "like a man". Lying down and being a doormat is not something I was raised to do. I had a big decision to make - one that needed to be made very, very soon before he killed me in one of his fits of rage.

The few days following the Valentine's Day fiasco were filled with apologies (on Josh's part), whispers and promises of commitments that were never to be fulfilled. I slowly, cautiously and carefully pretended to go along with his promises and plans of a better life together. I did not want to arouse his suspicions that I didn't believe one bloody word he said, or that I had other plans in store for MY future. The biggest lie was his promise to treat me like a Princess and never, ever raise his hands to me again. Also the promise that he would be faithful, that he would be a good father.

Wait...WHAT?! My brain began spinning, my blood pressure dropped, I felt faint. I desperately tried to maintain my composure and pretent that I was listening intently to every single piece of shit that spewed forth from his mouth. I smiled at him to coax him into a safe state of mind where he was under the forethought that I was going along with his sick, perverted plans for "our future". My conscious mind screamed at me "What do you mean a "good father"? I have absolutely NO intentions of becoming pregnant and carrying your demon seed child in this lifetime or the next.

I played the game, hoping that it would save my life until I could find a way to get Josh away from me and out of my life. I had to proceed silently, cautiously, plotting effective, foolproof plans to ensure he would not be able to hurt me, my animals or be allowed to carry out any of his previous threats. He always swore that he would never let me go, no matter what.

Now the weekend was approaching and once again, I was afraid of what those two days would bring. Most people look forward to the weekends as a time to regroup, spend time with family, pursue hobbies and activities and relax. I did not have the luxury of being one of those people. I feared the weekends. It meant I would most likely be alone with Josh and his mood swings brought on my drinking binges and drug use. Sometimes he would go out with his best friend, Gerald, and they would do God knows what for the entire weekend. I would never know where he was going, when he was coming back...all I knew is that I was thankful he was getting the hell out of my house for awhile so I could perfect my plans and have a few moments of clarity and sanity.

Unfortunately this weekend, he wanted to spend it with me. When he broke the news to me, I tried my best to coax a big smile to my lips so he would believe I was thrilled to have him spend time with me. Sure enough, as soon as he decided what he was going to do (and what I was NOT going to do), he began his routine of drinking...and it was only Friday afternoon. My instincts told me to be ready for anything. Especially since Josh was starting his alcoholic binging earlier than usual...anything could and probably would happen.

To be continued...

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