Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My Screwed Up Life - Part 2

In my post yesterday, I said that even though I was an abused child (not by my Mother), it made me who I am today. Let me clarify by saying that I am NOT advocating or condoning abuse. On the contrary, I try to help prevent it and help those who have gone through it. I apologize if anyone thought otherwise.

As I stated in yesterday's post, some folks come out somewhat ok and some crack under the pressure of having to deal with the trauma. Nobody, but nobody gets out unscathed. As strong as I believe I am, even I did not come out unscathed. I'm not a violent person (if I was, I can bet you I wouldn't have gotten my ass kicked so many times!). Sometimes my mouth does over-ride my ass and I say things that the average person might take as a threat. But the people who know me, know I'm blowing off steam and mean no harm. There are a few folks I'd like to see disappear, but that's not my place to make that happen. Remember - Karma. I don't want any bad Karma following me! I can think it all I want...but I can't do it.

Even though I have dealt with most of my issues, I still have sleep disorders, have been diagnosed with PTSD and am anal-retentive and obsessive-compulsive. I'll admit it - I'm a bit controlling, but it's how I deal with things. And it's not just the childhood trauma I am still having to deal with. I was abused as an adult too - literally about beat to death by an ex-boyfriend because he was in a bad mood. And by the way, the cops never caught the guy - the fat bastard is still on the loose and every now and then he lets me know he's still out there. That's another story for another day.

I still have very vivid nightmares, I sleepwalk (husband says I check all the locks in the house), I fight in my sleep, I yell in my sleep and have woken myself up screaming and cussing at certain people. I still have flashbacks, hardly sleep and am always looking over my shoulder. But I don't let all that stop me from living my life. It was part of the reason I was so reserved when I began dating my husband. I didn't want him to find all this out about me without me warning/explaining it to him first. Can you imagine spending the night with your girlfriend and having her sleepwalk, yell, scream and fight in her sleep? Yea....FREAKIN PSYCHO! But we had a very serious talk and he understands, which is such a blessing I can't even begin to tell you.

Frustrating? That's an understatement! Yes I get frustrated, yes I'm slightly paranoid and I have no problem admitting that. If I wasn't paranoid, cautious and armed most of the time, I would have been dead a long time ago. That's a cold, hard fact! When I get frustrated or pissed off, I don't take it out on people. I get physical - chopping wood, throwing axes at my target in the wooded backyard, lifting weights, working on my truck, going for a walk with my dog and writing about things. I'm not a big talker when it comes to my traumas and personal issues. I'd rather write. I've always been a writer - it is so much easier for me. The point is I don't go out and beat the shit out of other people (even though some definitely deserve it). I find constructive ways to release my anger.

It's all in the mind. It's a choice. You either deal with your issues properly and ditch the "victim" mentality or you succumb to it and it eventually destroys you. I've seen it happen and it's very, very sad. After years of being a "victim", I chose to be a survivor. I gathered up my inner strength and decided to live again. Was that an easy decision to make? No it was not, but is anything that is truly worth doing "easy"?

To be continued.....

My Screwed Up Life - Part 1

Ha! I know y'all can relate to that title. This will be the first installment of many screwed up situations that come from my life. These stories are absolutely true with no embellishment whatsoever. Trust me...I don't need to embellish, the stories are freaky enough. I am putting all of these into a book as well. When it's done, I'll let you know.

Where to a child, I had a father (and I use the term loosely) who was very abusive. I refer to him as the sperm donor. He does not deserve to be called father or dad or anything nice. I'll leave out here what he did to my Mother and just tell you what he did to me.

I learned at a very young age that children are supposed to be seen and not heard. If I didn't move fast enough or if I said something to the sperm donor's dislike, I got the shit beat out of me. My Mother would try her best to intervene. That would just piss him off even more and then he would attack her. His favorite thing was to hit me in the head. I was forever trying to hide bruises, I had horrible headaches, nightmares and flinched at every sound and every time someone moved quickly. Finally at the age of 5, my parents divorced. And that started a whole storm of violence, threats, terrorizing of the family. The sperm donor was and is crazy, psychotic and a very violent person. For that reason, I cannot go back to the state where I was born for fear of him killing he so often promised he would.

My Mother and I had to move around frequently because he would always find us and the terror would start anew. It was a never ending cycle. He repeatedly threatened to kidnap me, kill me and my Mother, hurt members of our family (even my Grandmother!) and was always following us, watching us. When he wasn't available to stalk and threaten us, he had his friends from his motorcycle gang do it for him. I know, how sweet. I can't count the number of times we had scary men knocking on our doors at all hours of the day and night just to threaten my Mother.

I was a mere helpless child at the time. Unfortunately, my childhood was lost because he stole that from me. I had to grow up before my time so I could be big and strong and protect my Mommy. The things that bastard did to makes me so enraged to even think about it now. He's damn lucky I believe in Karma or else I would've taken great pleasure in making his birth certificate a worthless f*cking document years ago.

To be continued tomorrow....

Monday, September 28, 2009

Parents, Step-Parents and Children

I was once married to a man who had a vindictive ex-wife. They had 2 children. I won't get into specifics here, but my point is that when families mesh, it is completely inappropriate for the ex-wife to put the kids in the middle of the divorce and play them against their non-custodial father.

We had visitation with the kids every other weekend. When the ex decided that it was ok with her schedule. There were many times we'd drive the hour to her house and she'd say "nope, can't have them. I have other plans." It was always a big drama scene having to deal with the ex-wife. She told the kids that they did NOT have to respect me, even though I was supporting their dad and they were staying at my house, eating my food and terrorizing my animals. Yes, and she even admitted that to me one day when we had a blowout over the phone. When we had the kids, she made it a point to call at least 3 times a day just to be a pain in the ass. Oh and she'd instruct them to misbehave, disrespect me and look through my stuff and call her back with information. Nosy bitch - I still hate her even after all these years. She caused trouble whenever she could. The bullshit finally broke up my marriage. I couldn't take any more.

Long story short, it made for a horrible marriage and it put the poor kids in the middle. And it also put me in a bind because I had to deal with the disrespect in MY house. Thankfully one of the kids was nice to me (the son). The daughter was another story. She was just like her mother and snooped through my house (as she was instructed by the mother), went through personal items in my bedroom, bathroom, office and looked through my bills. I know because I caught her numerous times. Of course the father would not discipline her because he was afraid of his ex-wife and of her withholding visitation. He had no backbone when it came to the ex. I finally put my foot down and said no more. I was not going to be treated like that in my home. I did not dislike the child, I disliked the behavior - let me make that clear!

People, please do not make this same mistake. I beg of you, do not put the children in the middle of a divorce, new marriage, whatever the situation may be. It's not fair to the kids, nor the new step-parent. Also, ex-husbands...have the balls to stand up to your ex-wife instead of being a door-mat and making your new wife deal with the drama and bullshit. It's totally unacceptable!

Needless to say, I divorced him. It took seven (7) long years, but I finally got the money to divorce him. The son-of-a-bitch had me pay for his first divorce, his ex-wife's car, his outstanding the total of over $50,000. He said he'd pay me back and the mother-f**ker never paid me a penny. The majority of our problems were because of his ex-wife meddling, the fact that he lived off me, stuck me with HIS and his ex-wife's bills, cheated on me, well I won't go on. I'll continue this in another blog.

As you can tell, I still have a lot of pent up anger regarding this. There is so much more and I will continue this in another blog. I need to get my blood pressure down to a respectable level right now and stop writing this. I can feel my face getting hot, my heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm mad as hell right now! I was such a sucker for so long. Yes I blame ME - it's called Personal Accountability. More people ought to practice it. He screwed me over, but I let him. I was stupid, trusting, thought that the marriage vows actually meant something. I was a f*cking fool! And now I'm broke...trying to dig myself out of this hole and it's years later.

Where is he, you ask? He moved away, got remarried - to a FAT chick that looks like me, but with an extra 75 pounds. That's just messed up on so many levels. Good luck with him Honey! He loves to live off women, gamble (which he hides well), buy stuff for himself, rack up bills and then run like hell. Watch out! He will probably cheat on you too - but he doesn't go far. Keep an eye on your male friends' girlfriends. I've been there and I'm speaking from experience.

To be continued.......hey if you have thoughts or suggestions, please put them on here. I'd love to read them. I'd feel better knowing I'm not the only sucker out there!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I Got Poked By A Ghost

This past weekend I went out of state to take a class at a very prestigious establishment. The campus is secured and is well maintained. The buildings are ancient and the architecture absolutely stunning. It was a wonderful experience and I can’t wait to go back for another class weekend.

About an hour after my arrival, I am being shown around the campus by my husband. He’s giving me the history and explaining what the different buildings are now and what they were way back when. Of course by this time, I’m hungry. What else is new – I can always eat! We wander around and eventually head toward the Mess Hall. That’s when he tells me that the building housing the Mess Hall was a former hospital in the Civil War. Hmmm, this gets better and better all the time.

The first words out of my mouth are, so maybe we can see some ghosts in there? Honestly it was an innocent statement. I say things like that all the time. I love ghosts and the supernatural. I have studied things of that nature since I was a very young child. I’ve always been fascinated with the supernatural and have even seen a few ghosts of my own in my time.

My husband and I are enjoying a hearty dinner and having a lively discussion with one of the professors who happened to join us at the table. Mind you, this is also the first time my husband and I have been alone for a few months! The conversation jumps from one topic to the next without skipping a beat. It’s a beautiful thing.

We finish our meal and are casually heading to the orientation meeting, still discussing the campus history and architecture and the sights to be seen while there. Suddenly out of the blue, I see something out of the corner of my eye and before I can duck, I’m hit! I put my hand to my head to see if I can feel what the hell just hit me and as I look at my hand, it appears to be covered in blood! I look at my husband and say “what the hell is this?!” He takes a tissue from my hand and wipes the mess out of my hair as best he can. Yea…it’s not coming out and the blood red stain is NOT coming off my hand! It’s a damn good thing I dyed my hair red a few weeks ago, let me tell you what.

He hands me the tissue with the offending material in it and I take a good long look. No, it’s not bird poop. It’s a single, solitary, very ripe poke berry. We have no clue where it came from, there were no birds in the immediate vicinity at the time and the squirrels were also across the lawn on the other side. He looked at me and said “ok NO MORE talk about ghosts!”.

Yes folks, that’s just my luck. I got beaned by a ghost with a blood red poke berry. I thought it was funny as hell, but my husband was a bit wary. You see, this kind of stuff happens to me all the time and I’m used to it, but he’s not. He’s getting used to it and doesn’t really find it as scary or odd as he used to.

It took two days to wash the berry out of my hair. Each time I dried my hair after my shower, there was a slight trade of red/purple on my towel. At least I scrubbed my hand hard enough to remove the traces there. That would sure have been interesting to try and explain that to my classmates!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

People Really ARE That Ignorant!

Wow, unbelievable. I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner, thinking about the books I'm writing, gazing out the window contemplating life...and watching the deer that feast on my plants in the backyard. It's what I do when I need to relax. Where I live, you can't hunt anywhere in this area even though it's wooded. So I spend some time every night, when possible, to just watch the deer and relax.

Here's the amazing part. My trusty Beagle was outside "doing her thing" while I was cooking. Suddenly she starts baying and howling up a veritable storm like the devil is chasing her with a hot pronged pitch-fork all the way back to the gates of hell. I know she's not barking at the deer - she's used to them by now, plus she's too old to chase them. This tells me that somebody is around that should NOT be. The bark was more of a "hey get the hell off my land" than a "hey Daddy's home".

I don't see anyone when I look out my kitchen window (plus I'm too short to see next to the house). When I go towards the front of the house to open the front door, I see out my front living room window, a strange man with no shirt on walking out from the side of my house. Mind you, my land is next to the neighbor's land that I take care of and both lots are mostly blocked off and have numerous No Trespassing signs.

The nosy ass stranger had parked his truck right in front of my driveway (wish hubby had come home at that point with his "special" vehicle) and he was walking in my backyard. Why I have no freakin clue! By the time I grabbed my gun and threw open the front door, he jumped in his truck and took off. WTF?! I watched him go down the street and guess what...he lives 3 houses down from me. Yeaaa I thought the truck looked familiar.

The whole point of having the signs up is so folks will NOT come onto my property and invade my privacy. Of course if there is a true emergency, that would be different. What the hell is wrong with people? You don't just walk on up into someone else's property and take a tour. Things like that could potentially get you hurt...or killed. This just melts the frosting off my cake, burns my biscuits and makes me want to squash bugs.

My first thought was to fire a warning shot at his truck, but hell ammo is too expensive. Plus I don't have time to go to jail. My second thought was to call the local police and report yet ANOTHER trespasser. But then I remembered what a waste of time THAT would be. Hell my stalker is still on the loose (10 years later), do you really think they can do anything about trespassers? Yes the stalker is another story for another day. He's a true psycho, which is why I'm such a nervous person.

Do any of you have any ideas on how to legally stop people like that? I am out of ideas. I cannot afford a fence - thought about cattle gates, but figured they'd look tacky. So for now, I remain, a nervous wreck.

Seriously...Who Would've Thought?

I'm one of those folks people love to hate. My whole entire life has been planned out since I was about 5 years me. I knew what I wanted to do, where I was going to go to school, how I was going to be happy, who I was going to marry, the whole kit-n-kaboodle. Well the marriage part was an option - the owning of many animals a non-negotiable factor. The odd part is now that I'm almost 40, yes go ahead and laugh - if you're not there you will be soon enough and you'll know what I mean, I have no clue as to what I want to do for a career.

Unemployment came as a mild shock in June of 2009. I had a feeling it was coming. Don't get me wrong - I was complimented almost daily on the job I did, but one or two of the "higher-ups" didn't like my personality. Oh and I didn't drive a new car, or have kids, or wear expensive jewelry, or go to the best parties or have the biggest house in the most expensive subdivision. You get the picture. I live in a small house that I made into a home, drive a well kept but older pickup truck, wear regular clothes (and hate shopping), volunteer my time for my community and am just down to earth.

I'm not sorry I lost my job either. I was "let go" and was told that my position was being eliminated. Which come to find out, it most certainly was not. They lied to me and to the other employees. But I decided to let it go since it's just not worth my time. I do not put up fronts or pretend I'm rich or try to fit in...I am ME. It's the way I was raised. I have a low tolerance for those who are "pretenders", liars, deceivers and all out fakes. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

The funny thing is here I am, contemplating the rest of my life in this topsy-turvy world, in a recession with a bad outlook for the job market. As I look back on my resume, I realize I have done a whole lot with my life and have many experiences with various companies. What I am doing is weeding through all that and trying to figure out when I was happiest. Yes - happiest, not the wealthiest.

I'm at the point in my life that I'm sick and tired of working with/for people who have the "what's in it for me" attitude. It's time for ME to be happy. Hell I never said I wanted to be rich, even when I was 5 years old and planning out my life. My main concern was being happy and being nice to those who needed help. All that without being a doormat (as my wonderful Dad used to always tell me).

Who would've thought that I would be at a crossroads right now and would need to take time for self-reflection, introspection, family and faith? I got quite a wake up call and I am glad. I've worked like a dog my whole life, usually 2 jobs at once and going to school, and what has it done to me? I realized that my Mom and Grandma were right. If I don't slow down soon, I'm going to miss life. Guess what? I have missed a hell of a lot. And for that, I am truly sorry.

The time is now. I am searching for work that makes me happy and will pay what few bills I have, not make me rich. I want to and need to spend time with my family before life goes by any faster. All of my grandparents are deceased (all 6 of them), I have no siblings, and my wonderful parents are not in the best health. Life's too short to be making everyone else happy and putting my needs aside as I've always done. I'm taking life one day at a time and I'm going to finally live!

I'd like to ask you out there - when is the last time you took stock of your life and realized it's not all about the money - or pleasing everyone else? Live life, be healthy, happy and treasure your family and friends. They will be gone sooner than you expect.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

What The Hell?

First and foremost, let me apologize for not posting in a week. I had some issues to deal with, both with ill family members and friends. Let's just leave it as it's been a hell of a week. You can relate, can't you? And the best part of it all is I am getting used to a new computer with a touchy touch-pad and I deleted about 4 of my posts before I got them online. Angry? That's a major understatement.

Labor Day weekend is a busy time for most folks - people take the last of their summer vacations, people who have kids are getting them ready for school, and fire departments are collecting donations for the Muscular Dystrophy Association. It's called Fill The Boot for MDA and that's what I was doing all day Saturday and Sunday. Since I do not have children, I put all my efforts into collecting funds for other peoples' kids who need help. But that's another story for another post. It was a whole lot of fun!

The week before the yearly MDA drive has been busy. I was trying to coordinate the activities, with the grateful assistance of my husband, as we were going to collect in the large driveway and parking lot in front of our volunteer firehouse at the very end of the County. I spent more than a little bit of time attempting to coordinate the personnel to assist. And the back up personnel for those who said they'd show and whom I knew would eventually not show. Which leads me to the next subject.

There are very few things that really piss me off. Don't get me wrong, I have quite a few pet peeves, but that's different. I'm talking about things that make me mad enough to want to stomp bunnies. Liars top the list. If I ask you to come out and help with a fundraising activity, meeting, training, Station coverage, etc. and you tell me you will be had BETTER be there. I've had my fill of people yessing me to death and then leaving me holding the bag and doing the job of 5 people. It flat out sucks. It's also not fair to those who are counting on the donations (MDA) or those who are counting on the assistance, i.e. planning events for the volunteer firehouse - our own fundraisers.

On the second day (Sunday)of collecting for MDA, there were a whopping total of 2 people collecting donations. My husband and I collected for a few hours before we finally wrangled 2 of our young members out of bed to come help us (at 1pm), as they'd promised to help the day before. Do you see where I'm going with this? Have y'all been in this predicament as well? I'm sure you have. Doesn't it just frost your damn cookies that folks can be so non-chalant, flippant and conveniently forgetful...well until they need something. Then I seem to be instantaneously on their speed dial.

This has become a part of daily life now, for everyone who is responsible. Damn, I said the big ole bad "r" word...responsible. Why is it that grown adults cannot seem to keep their word? I know it wasn't like this when I was growing up. If you gave someone your word or you committed to do something, you were there. If by some chance of ill-fated luck you could not, you at least called to alert the people that something had come up and you'd help them next time.

What the hell has happened? Some people (young and old) have completely forgotten about manners, being courteous, respectful, being responsible and have forgotten how to help others without expecting anything in return. It's digusting and it's a disgrace to humanity. Are parents not teaching their kids these virtues anymore? Are some folks really that self-absorbed that they can't go out of their way for a little bit and help others? Is it really too much to ask to get off your ass and help someone out who may be less fortunate than yourself?

Yes as you can see, this really irks me, frosts my cookies, burns my biscuits and makes me want to pull my hair out. I know I was not raised that way. Really folks, give me some feedback here because I'm at a loss. What the heck is going on in the world today that people can't help one another?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

It Hurts So Good

Holy Crap! I can't believe I hurt this much...what the hell?! Let me start from the beginning...I'm an over-achiever. I'm also anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive, a perfectionista and I hate to lose. Those are some of my more endearing qualities too. Those of you who know me are probably losing control of your bodily functions reading this. It's an understatement, for sure.

Monday started out as a great day. I religiously did my workout (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays) with my favorite dvd, in the comfort of my own home. I'll be damned if anyone outside of my home is going to see me in spandex or exercising with no shorts at all. Anyway...the workout went well. Afterward I was feeling extra froggy and decided to finally cut the grass at my house and my neighbors' house next door. They are elderly, so I do it for them all the time.

The forecast was calling for possible rain sprinkles, so I checked the radar before venturing outside. The radar was clear with the exception of a small spot miles west. Just my luck, I got a quarter of the way done with my lawn and it started to rain. Not sprinkle like the weatherman said, but a steady rain. Dammit! I get so angry when I can't finish a project I set out to do. It pisses me off to no end. I waited for about 20 minutes under the back of my camper shell in my truck for the rain to stop. Yeah...right. I gave up, went inside and took a shower.

Tuesday morning looked promising for finishing the lawn chores and yard cleanup. I got all psyched up to finish this project. Stupid me forgot that the town I live in turns into a swamp after ANY rain. That's what the town name means in Native American - swamp. No, I shit you not.

Five hours later - yes FIVE hours later, I finally finished fighting with the wet grass, dead tree limbs, underground bees nest (surprise!), mole holes and called it a day. I hadn't eaten anything and was starving. I was also tired as hell and was starting to get sore from having to fight with the push mower all day. See I forgot to replace the drive belt on my tractor, so I was forced to cut the grass with a push mower. That'll teach me to procrastinate.

Once I got out of the shower, the pain from hell set in. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no creampuff. I live with pain on a daily basis (thanks to my ex-boyfriend/stalker who repeatedly kicked the shit out of me) and function fairly well without complaining. All bets were off - I could barely move.

Today's Thursday and I'm still sore as hell. Yesterday I thought I was going to die. I swear I wanted to file a hit and run report on the truck that ran my little ass over and left like a scalded dog! All I can do is grit my teeth, smile and say "oh yea, bring on the pain. It hurts sooooo good". Yesssss, please pass the icepacks and my meds. I've got more work to do and can't stop now! You bet your ass! I didn't get to where I am in life by lying down and playing dead, or whining, complaining, bitching, pissing, moaning about how unfair life is. Like I always say, suck it up and move on!