My doctor was still staring at me, waiting for an answer. I told him that Josh and I were play-wrestling in the living room and I got up on the couch and fell off backward. Yea that sounds plausible, doesn't it? Oh no...the big sigh and the look on his face is telling me that he isn't buying my load of shit. I have to stick to this story and make him believe me, as much as it pains me to have to lie to my doctor. Doc cannot know the truth or else I'm as good as dead. Can't have cops being nosy and screwing things up. I can't go to the hospital without creating suspicion.
Sure enough, Doc looks at me and says "yea right, do you want to try me again?" So I repeated the story again, hoping against hope that he would believe me. He moved toward the door, closed it and looked me straight in the eye and said "don't bullshit me. We've known each other too long and I know damn well this could not have happened from you falling off a couch. Did that son-of-a-bitch strangle you? You have marks all around your neck, face, shoulders, arms, torso and back."
No amount of lying is going to get me out of this one. I know that now. Everyone can see that Josh beats me. I'm the fool for believing that nobody knows. What the hell is wrong with me? I swore I'd never be with a man who raised his hands to me and now I'm in a fight for my life.
As the white hot tears pour out of my eyes uncontrollably, my head throbs with searing bursts of pain as does my neck. I can't stop crying now that the realization has hit home that I really fucked up by staying with this coward who chooses to beat me whenever he gets pissed off. I am having trouble forming sentences right now. I can't seem to speak and it is so difficult for me to breathe. My chest is heaving like I've just run the New York Marathon and I can't catch my breath. The pain is blinding me and yet I cannot stop crying. I know my Doc knows I am lying and I am mortified. I trust this man with my life, yet I cannot tell him what really happened because he will do what he has to do.
Doc called Ann back into the room because I'm getting hysterical. She holds me while I cry. Ann stays with me to make sure I don't faint or fall off the examining table. My doc tells me he is stepping out for a minute and whispers something to Ann that I can't hear.
He comes back into the room once I've calmed down a bit. He has my x-rays and the results of my numerous examinations that he has performed this morning. It's not good. I just know it. He has a very pained expression on his face and he is not attempting to use humor at this point. He sits me down and tells me what he has found.
Doc asks me if I want the good news first or the bad. I opt for the former, hoping it will cheer me up. He proceeds to tell me that the good news is...I'm still alive, but barely, after my beating. The bad news is...I have major injuries that are quite possibly life threatening and he wants to call an ambulance to have me transported ASAP to the hospital. I can see his lips moving, but I can't seem to hear him anymore. I can glean certain pieces of information such as brain stem injury, motor function coordination, breathing, heart might stop, seizures...
I feel as if I am in a tunnel. My ears don't want to work, the room is closing in around me, faces and objects are spinning and twirling before my very eyes. I'm in tremendous amounts of pain and nauseated. I'm so scared right now. I know I need to go to the hospital, but I can't. Nobody can know what happened to me. I know if my doc makes me go to the hospital, they will ask me tons of questions, probably put the pieces together, then have to call the police to report the domestic violence, then someone will contact Josh to question him and then he will know I told!
My doc needs to be convinced that I will be ok if he lets me go home. Nobody can know about this. I'll have to take my chances and just go home and hope and pray that I don't die because I'm not allowed to be admitted to the hospital.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
My Psycho Stalker-Part 15 The Doctor's Office
This stupid gown...it keeps opening on me even though I have a death grip on the damn thing. All right, any time now doc. Where did you go? How long have I been here anyway? I feel like I'm in a fog, my brain is jumbling my thoughts and I'm jumping from thought to thought like a flea on a hot, sandy beach. Nothing seems to make sense and everything hurts like I've had the shit beat out of me with a baseball bat of the wooden variety. Have I completely lost my mind and this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown? Oh crap, I have to get back to work. I know there's work piling up on my desk next door and I don't want my boss to freak out if I'm gone too long. Oh wait...he walked me over here, didn't he? I think he did. Good, then he knows where I am.
Oh good, here comes my doc. I've known him and his staff for years. Maybe I can get some straight answers as to what's going on with me so I can hurry up and get back to work. I actually love my job and my boss. He and his family have been so good to me. They know I have no family in the state, so they've kind of adopted me. They are all so sweet. What the hell? My doctor has an odd look on his face. He's still looking at my x-rays and I don't like that worried/concerned look on his face. Oh geez, this is not good.
I'm scared to death now. He appears to be stalling. He's consulting with his assistant now - I can see them both right outside my room. Unfortunately my vision is a bit blurry and I can't really read their lips right now. And I'm sitting at an angle on the table in the x-ray room because I can't turn my neck or sit like a human being. It just hurts way too much. Oh NO, why is Ann crying? Shit...am I dying? Uh oh...here they come. I don't feel so good right now.
"DOC, help me! She's going into shock", Ann screamed. And that's the last thing I remember them saying for quite awhile.
I woke up to my doc on one side of me and Ann on the other. They were holding me so I didn't fall off the table. "So do you want to tell me how this happened", asked my doc when I finally became a little coherent. "Ahhh, I don't know" I slurred. Shit, I can't tell them the truth! Yea if I tell them that Josh and I got into a fight and he grabbed me and picked me up by my neck, swung me around the room until I passed out and then forced me to have sex with him, I'd be in deep shit. If I tell them the truth, then by law the doc has to call the cops and report the beating. Then the cops may or may not go and arrest Josh at work. They would talk to him at any rate. Then Josh would know I told. Josh threatened me (like he did every time he hit me) and said he'd kill me if I dared to open my mouth and tell anyone what happened. He always told me "shut up or I'll finish the fucking job" or "go ahead and fight back. I'll kill your fucking animals too and leave them for you to find". I have a sneaking suspicion that he's been abusing my babies too, especially my new puppy. I'll be damned if I will give him an excuse to do it again.
You never know how fast your mind can spin until you have to fabricate something other than the truth in mere seconds. I think my befuddled brain was spinning (albeit lopsided) faster than an F5 tornado in Alabama. Ok, what can I tell them? Think...it must be logical, yet simple so I don't screw this up. My life depends on my fabrication. If I could only trust the cops to not fuck this up and actually protect me, I wouldn't have to lie. I could tell the truth and have this asshole arrested and out of my life NOW. But since many cops and judges have let me down over the course of my entire life, I don't trust any of them. Maybe someday I will elaborate on those factions of my life as well. But for now, my immediate goal at this moment is self-preservation. Until I can plot Josh's death for doing this to me yet again.
To be continued...
Oh good, here comes my doc. I've known him and his staff for years. Maybe I can get some straight answers as to what's going on with me so I can hurry up and get back to work. I actually love my job and my boss. He and his family have been so good to me. They know I have no family in the state, so they've kind of adopted me. They are all so sweet. What the hell? My doctor has an odd look on his face. He's still looking at my x-rays and I don't like that worried/concerned look on his face. Oh geez, this is not good.
I'm scared to death now. He appears to be stalling. He's consulting with his assistant now - I can see them both right outside my room. Unfortunately my vision is a bit blurry and I can't really read their lips right now. And I'm sitting at an angle on the table in the x-ray room because I can't turn my neck or sit like a human being. It just hurts way too much. Oh NO, why is Ann crying? Shit...am I dying? Uh oh...here they come. I don't feel so good right now.
"DOC, help me! She's going into shock", Ann screamed. And that's the last thing I remember them saying for quite awhile.
I woke up to my doc on one side of me and Ann on the other. They were holding me so I didn't fall off the table. "So do you want to tell me how this happened", asked my doc when I finally became a little coherent. "Ahhh, I don't know" I slurred. Shit, I can't tell them the truth! Yea if I tell them that Josh and I got into a fight and he grabbed me and picked me up by my neck, swung me around the room until I passed out and then forced me to have sex with him, I'd be in deep shit. If I tell them the truth, then by law the doc has to call the cops and report the beating. Then the cops may or may not go and arrest Josh at work. They would talk to him at any rate. Then Josh would know I told. Josh threatened me (like he did every time he hit me) and said he'd kill me if I dared to open my mouth and tell anyone what happened. He always told me "shut up or I'll finish the fucking job" or "go ahead and fight back. I'll kill your fucking animals too and leave them for you to find". I have a sneaking suspicion that he's been abusing my babies too, especially my new puppy. I'll be damned if I will give him an excuse to do it again.
You never know how fast your mind can spin until you have to fabricate something other than the truth in mere seconds. I think my befuddled brain was spinning (albeit lopsided) faster than an F5 tornado in Alabama. Ok, what can I tell them? Think...it must be logical, yet simple so I don't screw this up. My life depends on my fabrication. If I could only trust the cops to not fuck this up and actually protect me, I wouldn't have to lie. I could tell the truth and have this asshole arrested and out of my life NOW. But since many cops and judges have let me down over the course of my entire life, I don't trust any of them. Maybe someday I will elaborate on those factions of my life as well. But for now, my immediate goal at this moment is self-preservation. Until I can plot Josh's death for doing this to me yet again.
To be continued...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
MPS-Part 14 The Day After
Oh boy, what the hell happened to me? What's wrong with my head? Ugh, no time for me to whine or show that I'm in excruciating pain. I have to get out of bed, take a shower and get ready for work. Crap...Josh is still here. I can hear his fat ass rummaging around in the fridge. Why can't he just leave already...or die? I can't even remember my own name right now, let alone what I have to do to get ready for work.
The room keeps spinning, my head is throbbing and my neck feels like I got hit with a baseball bat. Everything keeps getting fuzzy - like someone threw a piece of cheesecloth over my face. Ok, suck it up and get in the shower. My arms and legs are not cooperating with my brain. It hurts to think. Whoa, thank goodness for this shower bar in my tub or else I'd be in deep trouble. Holy shit, it hurts way too much to lift my arms and wash my hair. Pain keeps shooting up from my neck, through my head, wrapping around my brain and squeezing the life out of it like a giant octopus. It hurts to breathe. I think I'm going to die...I need to get to work so someone will know if I pass out from the pain. Otherwise I will never be found and nobody will take care of my animals. Josh will let them all die from starvation or else he will kill them. I don't trust him and nobody can seem to keep him away from me.
Hey wait a minute...how the hell did I end up at my desk? The last thing I remember is getting out of the shower and now I am sitting at my desk holding my head up because it hurts too much to let my neck do its job. Uh oh...here comes my boss. I don't know if I can bullshit him into believing there is nothing wrong with me.
Good morning Willy! What do you mean I'm slurring my words? No I'm fine, just a bit tired. Oh no, I must look like death warmed over because he is NOT buying a word coming out of my mouth. How did I get here? Honestly Willy, I have no idea. My truck is outside? I DROVE HERE? Thank God I only live 2 streets away.
My boss is a very caring soul. We've worked together for a very long time and I am close with his family. He is freaking out right now telling me I'm slurring my words, I'm stumbling around, my eyes are glazed, my movements are super slow and I seem to be breathing funny. He is making me walk next door to the doctor so he can take a look at me. Thankfully we are all friends, but I'm scared to death they are going to know Josh beat me and once it gets out and Josh finds out I told, he will kill me as he frequently promises to...
Willy carefully escorted me next door via the adjoining door so that nobody would see me walk through the front door of the doctor's office and ask a ton of nosy questions. I think they all know...I think they are all waiting for me to spill my guts. Are they nuts? I don't want Josh to finish the job and kill me for telling on him!
Here's my friend Ann who works with my doctor...good...a familiar face...I need a hug even though it's going to hurt like hell. Where did Willy go? Hey...I don't remember taking my clothes off and putting this horrible ass-peeping gown on. What's going on here? Did I black out again? Oh God I am so scared. I can't keep my thoughts straight, I can't speak, can't concentrate and I keep losing time. What's happening to me?
To be continued...
The room keeps spinning, my head is throbbing and my neck feels like I got hit with a baseball bat. Everything keeps getting fuzzy - like someone threw a piece of cheesecloth over my face. Ok, suck it up and get in the shower. My arms and legs are not cooperating with my brain. It hurts to think. Whoa, thank goodness for this shower bar in my tub or else I'd be in deep trouble. Holy shit, it hurts way too much to lift my arms and wash my hair. Pain keeps shooting up from my neck, through my head, wrapping around my brain and squeezing the life out of it like a giant octopus. It hurts to breathe. I think I'm going to die...I need to get to work so someone will know if I pass out from the pain. Otherwise I will never be found and nobody will take care of my animals. Josh will let them all die from starvation or else he will kill them. I don't trust him and nobody can seem to keep him away from me.
Hey wait a minute...how the hell did I end up at my desk? The last thing I remember is getting out of the shower and now I am sitting at my desk holding my head up because it hurts too much to let my neck do its job. Uh oh...here comes my boss. I don't know if I can bullshit him into believing there is nothing wrong with me.
Good morning Willy! What do you mean I'm slurring my words? No I'm fine, just a bit tired. Oh no, I must look like death warmed over because he is NOT buying a word coming out of my mouth. How did I get here? Honestly Willy, I have no idea. My truck is outside? I DROVE HERE? Thank God I only live 2 streets away.
My boss is a very caring soul. We've worked together for a very long time and I am close with his family. He is freaking out right now telling me I'm slurring my words, I'm stumbling around, my eyes are glazed, my movements are super slow and I seem to be breathing funny. He is making me walk next door to the doctor so he can take a look at me. Thankfully we are all friends, but I'm scared to death they are going to know Josh beat me and once it gets out and Josh finds out I told, he will kill me as he frequently promises to...
Willy carefully escorted me next door via the adjoining door so that nobody would see me walk through the front door of the doctor's office and ask a ton of nosy questions. I think they all know...I think they are all waiting for me to spill my guts. Are they nuts? I don't want Josh to finish the job and kill me for telling on him!
Here's my friend Ann who works with my doctor...good...a familiar face...I need a hug even though it's going to hurt like hell. Where did Willy go? Hey...I don't remember taking my clothes off and putting this horrible ass-peeping gown on. What's going on here? Did I black out again? Oh God I am so scared. I can't keep my thoughts straight, I can't speak, can't concentrate and I keep losing time. What's happening to me?
To be continued...
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