Monday, October 5, 2009

My Psycho Stalker - Part 2 recap from last time, Josh and I decided to move in together. Of course he moved in with me into my tiny mother-in-law type apartment. He lived two houses away from Laura and Gerald, but I didn't want to move into someone else's house "just in case". I've always been independent and that wasn't about to change now. Plus I didn't realize his ex-wife was still living there. Oh yea, this gets ugly.

I let him move in with me. We were invited to Laura and Gerald's for another dinner, which had become a tradition with the four of us. We would alternate houses for dinner about once every two weeks, schedules allowing. As usual, I bring dessert to the cookout and we are sitting in the backyard having a few drinks. Gerald was cooking on the grill, Laura was setting up the table in the backyard and I was sitting on Josh's lap enjoying being outdoors and relaxing. Suddenly this haggard looking, wrinkled up old bitch comes up to the fence between Laura and Gerald's property and the next door neighbor and starts yelling at me and Josh. I'm flabbergasted and have NO clue who this crazy woman is, nor why she is yelling obscenities at us.

Laura comes running out of the house just as I stand up and ask the old bitch what exactly her damn malfunction is and who the hell she thinks she is yelling at me like that when I have no clue who she is. It gets better, trust me! Laura is trying to drag me into the house quickly while Josh goes over to the fence and begins to argue with the old broad. As I'm walking/being drug up the back stairs to the house, I hear the old bitch call me a "f*cking c&nt". Really?! That's it, the bitch shall die tonight! I throw Laura off me, push Gerald out of the way and start running over to her to jump the fence and kick her sorry ass. NOBODY calls me that and gets away with it! Josh takes a few steps towards me trying to intercede, Gerald runs up behind me, grabs me and picks me up off the ground. Gerald then drags me into the house (my feet never touched the ground - he had me in the air) and tells Laura to keep me inside before I killed this crazy bitch and knocked the rest of her teeth out of her head.

I calmed down (for appearances only) and pretended to engage Laura in a meaningless conversation while I calmy and carefully took off all my jewelry, placed it on her coffee table in the living room, and took off my 4" stiletto heels. Well Laura thinks I'm calm enough for her to go into the kitchen and check the oven. I seize the moment and haul ass out the back door, fly down the stairs, hurling obscenities and threats at the old bitch...and am just about ready to vault over the fence when Gerald and Josh grab me, pick me up again (told you I was small) and drag me back into the house. They about handcuffed me to the post in the kitchen because I almost got away from Gerald again. I wasn't afraid of him and I used one of my "maneuvers" on him. I didn't hurt him. I stunned him. I was furious and wanted a f*cking explanation NOW.

Josh finished his shouting match with the old bitch and came into the house. I was furious and demanded he tell me who she was and what she was yelling at me for. He said "oh that's just my ex-wife who still lives two houses over. She saw us and wanted to know who I was and why I was with you. Then she yelled at me for a bunch of other shit", etc. WHAT?! You have an ex-wife? And she's more than 20 years older than you?! That ancient, raggly-ass, no toothed, shrieking, wrinkled-up old crazy bitch is your ex-wife?! Why did you not tell me this before? Then he tells me that their divorce is almost final. What the f*ck do you mean almost final? Oh hell no, I'm outta here. By this time, I've already gone past the point of being pissed off and I'm crying, which makes me even madder because I don't usually cry.

Laura and Gerald talk me into staying so we can all talk. Well, they ARE my best friends...ok, let's talk this out. And I'd better hear some damn good explanations or someone (Josh) is going to be looking for a new place to stay and a new girlfriend!

We talk for most of the night. I calm down after hearing why the divorce was delayed (her fault, of he says) and after being reassured numerous times that he loves ME and he wants to be with me. Of course Gerald is laughing his ass off at how agile I am and how I almost got away from him. He said he was also shocked when I almost outmaneuvered him and almost got away. He and Laura were pretty impressed with my strength and reflexes. Surprise! Don't underestimate me.

After dinner, we had a drink, watched a movie and Josh and I went home. I was assured that scene would not happen again because the old bitch was supposed to have moved already, and would definitely be moving shortly out of the neighborhood. She was supposed to move to Arizona to be with her daughter.

At my apartment, Josh is being just as nice as pie to me. He's being the perfect gentleman, going the whole 9 yards so to speak. It's late, so we go to bed without any further discussion. The next day, his true colors start to show. Little did I know what I had gotten myself into.

To be continued...

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